Suicide Blonde

The first thing I knew was a loud 'Bang'! outside. I got up, grabbed my coat and ran to the front door.
When I opened it, I saw a Mercedes convertible across the drive at a funny angle and one of my stone planters on its side on the lawn. Beside the Merc stood Lumpkin, bottle in one hand and a cigar in the other. Before I had a chance to ask what the hell had gone on, he raised the bottle in a cheery salute and said "Well hello ! Fancy a little drink to celebrate ?"
I had no idea what he was on about and was unsure if I was angry about my planter and the Merc which had landed at the front of my house or intrigued as to what Lumpkin was celebrating.
"You'd better come in" I told him and I turned round and headed back indoors. I switched on the lights in the study, got two glasses and sat down. Lumpkin then rolls in with a grin like a buffoon and slumps into a chair and begins to tell all.
Apparently, the little sort from the smoke that he's been seeing has asked him to marry her - bit back to front, but still. He has said yes and they are now officially engaged. I must say that I didn't really know what to say but offered him my congratulations. Lumpkin reckons her father is some high-flying city type, board of directors, that sort of thing and has told his daughter that she must marry in order to gain access to her trust fund. She has therefore (and I know I'm being cynical but what else can I think ?) grabbed the first chap available and asked Lumpkin for his hand in marriage.

The one thing that I did learn last night (apart from Lumpkin being a tool) was that one of the local parish councillors was caught by Slider in the front room of the primary school teacher (It's a 'she' - I'd love to say it was a 'he' but I can't). Slider came out of the house next door and heard what he thought was a gunshot. He leapt over the fence into the back garden and through the patio doors could see councillor Bloombury, dressed in a clowns wig, a pair of massive clown shoes, red nose and a pair of rubber pants. The school teacher was in a tight leather catsuit and had a massive whip which she cracked across Bloombury's arse. I asked Lumpkin why he thought they had not drawn the curtains and he said that the garden only overlooked the wood at the back and no-one could really see in, except if you leapt over the fence as Slider had done.
He went on to say that the chance you might be discovered by someone leads to a heightened level of sexual excitement and pleasure at the point of shooting your bolt but I was not to quote him on that.

I told Lumpkin that he should stay over and that we could sort out his car in the morning. I then asked him just where he had got the car from in the first place and he said that the little sort had bought it for him as an engagement present.
The next morning I got up and went and had a look outside and in the light of day, there was no harm done except a small scuff on the corner of the Merc bumper and some soil spilt out of the planter.
After breakfast I went down into the village to post some letters and bumped into Slider as I came out of the Post Office. I told him that Lumpkin had mentioned to me about Bloomers and the school teacher and he gave a wry smile and said that apparently, this wasn't the first time Bloomers had been engaged in such activity. Last summer he had been admitted to A and E after having an accident whilst doing some home improvements. Slider reckons that it was definitely a 'DIY' accident and Bloomers was unable to account for the red marks around his throat and the bits of orange peel stuck in his teeth.

Actually, that's reminded me, I'm sure Lumpkin has my INXS album...