The Good Book

Yesterday I found myself in an unusual situation with the Bishop asking for my help. It seems he's now discovered Lumpkin has those photos of him and Mrs E in a compromising position.
He came up on the pretence of wanting to have a look at the Holy scriptures known as The Dilham Passages that are kept here at the Hall. He said he needed to produce a sermon for Sunday that talks of choosing the right path in ones life. I said I would have a look through the passages and see what I could come up with that would be suitable.
He then went on to say that while on the subject of choosing the right path, he knew that I knew that Lumpkin had some photos of him and Mrs E which were of a sensitive nature. I told him that I had no idea what he was on about and asked him to elaborate but he became uncomfortable and said that if it were the case that I didn't know then it was maybe for the best but the old sod knew I had seen the pictures. He then hinted that if the photos were to end up with him then he would ensure that a place in the Kingdom of Heaven would await me come judgement day. I then pointed out that unless he could also guarantee me an endless supply of topless women serving port and stilton, then I would be dealing with his competitor. He became uneasy and told me not to be frivolous in such matters but when I told him that if those photos came to light he might be joining me in 'warmer climes' he went bright red, made his excuses and left.

While looking for a suitable reading for the Bishop's sermon on Sunday, I was looking through some of the Dilham Passages and I must say they are a wondrous piece of work. They were written by the Holymen of Norfolk (God's chosen county) several hundred years ago. They are written often in a long lost dialect and tell of great tales from long ago. They also speak about the Yard of Truth which was a holy instrument used to dispense and distribute discipline and punishment on wrong-doers and people from Suffolk. The Yard of Truth was a righteous weapon which was as blue as the sky itself and measured exactly three feet long and had either an ash or hazel brotch or 'handle' at one end. It's use was often harsh and swift but righteous all the same. An example of it being implemented is written in a short extract known as 'The Tunstead Twot' which I have translated to bring it to a wider audience:

'And lo, it did come to pass that in the village of Tunstead there was a fule known as Cedric and it was said he was the idiot of the village. Cedric would get his ol todger owt and wave it at passing carriages and travellers and this would bring great excitement and pleasure to Cedric which was visible for all to see except on a cold day or if there was a wind-frost. One day a man on a horse was riding through the village and Cedric jumped off the gate on which he was sat and did get out his pecker and wave it at the passing stranger. The man did stop his horse and dismount and walked over to Cedric and spoke in a low growl "Hey boy, if I were yew I'd put that littul ol corey away afor yew get it knocked orf" but Cedric just laughed manically and did wave his pleasure pole at the stranger once more. The stranger did draw back his cloak and said "Rite yew littul turd, I hev warned yew and now yew'll feel the wrath of the Lord upon yew !" and from under his cloak he did draw an instrument of blue diviness like the bluest blue sky you have ever seen on a bright blue day when the sun is at its highest in the sky, not like when it is mid-afternoon just before tea-break and the sky is still blue and the sun is still quite warm but not as warm as it was when you had your ham roll and a scotch-egg at lunch time when the sky was very blue. The traveller did raise the Holy instrument above his head and brought it down hard across Cedrics giggle-stick and Cedric did let out a mighty howl and fell face down upon the ground. The traveller did then raise the Yard of Truth once more and then did strike Cedric across the knotter thrice speaking unto him "There yew go yew littul Coypu turd ! Hev some righteousness across thine arse yew gretol wang-waving nonce bucket !" and Cedric did  cry at each strike across the knotter and he did beg for mercy and promise never to show his joystick in public again. The Holyman did cease his punishment and put away the Yard of Truth and said "If I hear yew hev bin doin' it anymore, I'll be back to thrash your knotter until it looks like an exploded hedgehog" and he got back on his horse and rode off towards Dilham.
The people of the village were able to go about their business without being confronted by Cedric and his happy hampton and they did much rejoice and give thanks to the unknown traveller. They say Cedric could not sit down for a week for he did still have the arse of the baboon. Cedric never did display his pecker again and did go and get a job in the local peasant supplies shop known as Aldi.

And the Lord did Grin.'