Lucky Escape

I'm not sure what drivel I was about to sit down and watch the other evening when I heard the doorbell ring. Raggy by now had gone to his quarters and so I got up to go and see who it was. It wasn't late but it was past supper time so I was a little surprised to have anyone calling.
I opened the door and turned on the light to see Lumpkin stood there with a suitcase. I asked him in, shut the door and then asked if he was alright ? He replied that he had never been better, that he had broken off his engagement from that "old foreign piece" as he put it and had decided to come and visit me for a couple of days before heading out to the Ardennes for some sport in the forest.
We sat down, I made a pot of tea and he told me all about it.
Apparently things were marching on with wedding plans etc and old Lumps got the feeling that his fiance wasn't so much getting married because she was in love but more to do with getting herself set up in a secure home and being financially free of her father. Lumpkin on the other hand was hoping that she would be the key to her fathers wealth therefore setting him free financially, the upshot being that he realised she was only in it for the money, as was he and neither one was playing in the same direction so he called it off. She was devastated when he told her (not that he was breaking off the engagement but that he didn't have as much money as she thought) so she went off on one and within a week had met and got engaged to a slaughter house proprietor from Harrogate.
Anyway, Lumpkin looked happy and said he had been able to keep the Mercedes as a 'seperation gift'
Jammy git.

The next day found me sat on the lawn drinking my morning tea when a car pulled up and a chap got out and approached me holding a piece of paper.
He introduced himself as the candidate for one or another party canvasing for local votes.
Before I could tell him that I wasn't really interested, he asked me what I would say if I knew that the French were trying to stop foreign trade which would affect British jobs. He told me that our rights were being handed over to Brussels and red tape etc was strangling our everyday rights to do as we pleased.
I perused his leaflet and then told him that I long for a country which has little red tape, has a government that stands up for its people and looks after the interests of it's native workers.
His face glowed with agreement right up to the point I told him that I had just returned from such a country and that it's name was France.
I do hope he wasn't counting on my vote or in fact nor was any other party.

I intend to take out an ad in the local paper and maybe even The Times to find some new staff.
I still need a cook and my old cook's housemate has said that she wants to return to Wales to further her career as a nanny. She had trained in such work before she was caught by her previous employer, in bed with her employers husband, going at it at a fair pace.
Apparently that's not the done thing, even in Wales.
So, I shall probably place three adverts, one for a cook, one for a cleaner and one who can help Raggy around the place. Bless him he does try his best but he can no longer make it up the stairs and by the time he has got to the front door when somebody calls, they have either left or died.
Last week we had some Jehovah's Witnesses knock at the door and by the time Raggy had answered it, they had converted to Buddhism.

Breaking Back

Another year has gone by and as always it seems to have gone quicker than the previous one.
So what has changed ? Nothing really. Everyone seems to be going about their business as usual with the exception of one or two changes.
Richard, my cook, has got his dream job in a London restaurant and is doing very well apparently. He was a nice lad and I enjoyed all that he served up. His flatmate, the Welsh girl is still here cleaning and cooks me the odd meal when I am not dining out, which is nice. I still have no idea what her name is nor how to pronounce it but she does a good job and has learnt to cope with Raggy quite well.

On the subject of Raggy, I was concerned back in the autumn that he may have to retire as he had become very agitated and always had a pained look about him. I thought he may be going senile (well, more than usual) and that we might have to look into getting him moved into sheltered housing.
A few weeks later I found him slumped in a chair in the conservatory and I truly believed that he had collapsed and died but he saw me come in and smiled and was happier than I had seen him for a long while. It turns out that his discomfort and pain had arisen when he had discovered a family pack of Mini-Cheddars in the pantry and had eaten 7 packets in one go. The Mini-Cheddars had set like concrete in his bale chamber and he was unable to pass anything through his knotter for three weeks.
He reckoned that he had been drinking syrup of figs for a fortnight and that morning he had felt a gurgle and finally he managed to pass what could only be described as a 'spectre'.
It took him two days to clean the toilet and a further day to clean 'Hiroshima Wall Shadow' off the paintwork.

Kipper has been very busy in the garden and the summer made his efforts really shine through. The flowers looked great and he got the garden dug over before the end of autumn which looked like back breaking work.
I thought he would find it difficult to stay occupied over the winter months but he bought himself an old camper van and stripped it out. I think he might be turning it into a catering waggon or similar because he seems to have the vent in the roof producing a lot of smoke at times so I assume he must be cooking something. I also think he might be looking to grow some Bonsai tree's this year as well as he has bought a lot of glass beakers and flasks which I assume you need to grow them like a mini green-house ? I have heard they are difficult to grow and I presume they must require fairly potent sprays and chemicals too, hence Kipper going in and out of the shed wearing a respirator and chemical suit.
I don't know how he manages to buy all this stuff on his wages but he has never asked for a raise and despite me asking if he needs anything he said he is fine and makes more than enough.
He made that Crystal clear.

Dear Jim...

Well it's certainly been a busy winter but quite a wet one. I've had a nice time here and there but it's always nice to be home. There's been lots to keep me occupied what with various sporting activities.
There have been a few changes, some for the better, others only time will tell.
My cook, Richard, is still here but leaves us in the summer as he has got himself a job in a top London restaurant. His flatmate, the Welsh girl who's name I cannot pronounce nor understand, is doing stirling work and the place looks cleaner than ever. I find rather than entering into conversation with her, a quick smile or nod seems to suffice.
Raggy is still pottering around the place and moving stuff once the cleaner has moved it to hoover up.
They don't really get on but haven't come to blows yet although Raggy did apparently threaten to tazer her with a stream of hot piss from his incontinence sack. I don't honestly think he would do it but I'm not losing a fiver on it.

Pilly had a bad stroke of luck earlier in the year when an electrical fire caused his latex and rubber adult toy factory to burn to the ground. The official report said that it was due to the charging point on a 'Black Mamba' overheating and setting fire to a box of 'Graybo's Giggle Eggs'.
I was one of the first on the scene as I was returning from The Bull and it really was a sight to see.
Now, as much as it was sad to see Pilly's business go up in smoke, I must admit that I do enjoy a good flash-up. It really was a sight to behold with all that rubber going up in flames. The pall of black smoke rose high into the night sky and the flames were like a burning well in Kuwait. I don't think I could have created a better fire with a couple of old lorry tyres and a drum of red diesel.
It wasn't just me however that was enjoying the sight, I saw the Silver Fox watching as he stood beside his car and he was hopping from foot to foot with excitement like some kind of turd flinging chimp.
If they hadn't found a cause for the fire, I would have had serious suspicions about him being there.
Mind you, how ironic that Pilly has a fire which they were unable to put out and he owns some of the wettest land in the country...

With spring finally arriving (well, the snow has almost gone) it seems to have put everyone in the frame of mind to have a clear out. Kipper, my gardener has been clearing out his shed ready for some more pot plants, Raggy has cleared out the attic of yet more stuffed animals and placed them around the house so going for a morning mud-out is now like going on safari. I'm never sure if I am going to wipe my arse on andrex or an aardvark.
I noticed that the Bishop has also been spring cleaning and has been quite thorough about it too.
He had a skip outside the vicarage which was full of all sorts of old memorabilia from his charity fund raising days. I had a quick nosey as I went for a glass of sherry the other afternoon and there were several old invitations to Stoke Mandeville hospital, a couple of shell suits and a signed picture of the chap who used to do Jim'll Fix It.
I told the Bishop he should put them on that E-bay thing as I am sure they would make lots of money, what with them being celebrity articles and all that but he muttered something about them having to go quickly. Seems a shame as that Jimmy Savile chap was always a big hit with the kids.
Still, the Bishop does this sort of thing every now and then. I remember a year or two back when he dumped his entire collection of Gary Glitter memorabilia.
Come to think of it, he dumped a nearly new laptop computer too...

BonJour !

Well, I've just returned from a well earned break in France.
I decided to visit some of the D-Day invasion beaches as my father had told me about his exploits as the Allied forces headed inland.
I must say that the beaches today are very nice, peaceful and look very inviting whereas back then it was a different matter.
I remember father telling me how after the heavy naval bombardment had started at around 7am on the morning of Operation Overlord, his batman had woken him and said that he should maybe go for breakfast a bit earlier as there would probably be a lot of people milling about the ship later in the morning.
The first landing craft went ashore a few minutes later and after breakfast, father and a few of his chums decided to go and see what all the fuss was about.
Apparently, they managed to hitch a ride on a little naval craft which had no rest lounge or buffet and was apparently carrying tanks ashore. Anyway, father reckoned that the beaches were crowded by the time they arrived and that as usual, the Germans had grabbed the best bits of beach much earlier that morning by putting barbed wire, mines and anti-tank guns in the way.
Typical.
He said that it was very noisy and his chums had to wait until the Engineers had cleared a path up the beach before they could find a little cafe to enjoy some local hospitality.
However, before they could find a table, some grumpy German decided to fire an 88mm High explosive round through the cafe (probably because the Canadian Infantry had chucked all his barbed wire off the beach) so they had to wait until mid afternoon until the mayor of the local town gave them a bottle of wine. Apparently it wasn't a bad little number but the glasses were rather dirty.
Not much has changed to this day.

After visiting the beaches, I decided to have a look round a local village market. Once there I found a little French chappie selling cheese. I tried a bit and as nice as it was, it was no Stilton. I pointed out that he should come to England as I was sure people would be only too pleased to teach him how to make proper cheese but he didn't seem too keen and suddenly became very red and started to cough and splutter.
Maybe he had a dairy intolerance ?
Anyway, I found a little bakery in town and bought some bread which was lovely. The problem was, when I went to finish it off later that afternoon, it had turned from bread into a lump of seasoned Elm.
I'll bring a nice loaf of Hovis next time.

By the time I'd booked into my hotel, Raggy had caught up and brought all my luggage. He seemed a little tearful and I asked if it was because of visiting the invasion beaches and if it brought the memories flooding back but he said he hadn't been part of the invasion but his youngest son had.
Raggy had stayed at home in England like most of the First World War veterans due to their age.
The food in the hotel was very nice and the wine was good. The waiter got in a little bit of a strop when I asked for a crisp German white wine but he soon calmed down and brought a nice little number called something like 'Nonne Bleue'. It was expensive but well worth it.
It pays to know your wines when abroad....

Welsh rabbit

Well Richard, my chef, has settled in very well and I am really enjoying the food which he is cooking.
The only meal I was a bit dubious about was his Lamb tikka massala which although tasting very nice, gave me a dose of the squits which made the pan of the toilet look as though a pheasant had exploded in it.
Now, his flatmate came along with him the other day to see about the house cleaning job. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised as she was a rather pretty little thing, probably in her mid twenties and very friendly.
Unfortunately she is Welsh.
Anyway, despite that, she was very nice and I was happy to give her the job. Maybe in time she will learn to cope with an indoor lavatory and not having to wear a waterproof jacket day and night and I will learn to understand what she is saying. Richard say's that she is actually speaking in English but I'm not so sure...

Early days yet but it would seem that I once more have a decent set of staff.
I'll just have to try and persuade Raggy to restrain himself from placing the stuffed animals everywhere.
The other day I thought one of the dogs had shat a furry turd on the carpet but it turns out that it was a stuffed weasel that Raggy thought would look 'interesting' in the corner of the lounge.
The night before last I caught sight of another stuffed animal in the study. As I bent down and went to pick up the stuffed giant snail, I realised too late as it oozed through my fingers that it was infact a fresh barkers egg, layed by my poxy dog...
Dirty little bleeder.

Pilly received a complaint about a month ago from a women's lib group about an advert that he had placed in a womans magazine advertising his 'laytex pleasure products'. The complaint was along the lines of it being "derogatory to modern women" and having "no place in today's Britain".
Pilly replied to them asking what they found so offensive and invited them to come along to his little rural factory to discuss the matter. He in return got a very short reply from the chairwoman of the group saying that she would indeed be visiting him along with her colleagues and tell him exactly what they thought of people like him who were "holding women back from their rightful place in an equal society".
Apparently they turned up full of anger and venom but once Pilly showed them what it was his company made and how the products worked, the women left half an hour later with their minds set at rest and having spent over £300 on a variety of novelty latex products....

Food, glorious food

So Monday arrived and Richard, my new cook or 'chef' to give him his proper title turned up and got himself settled in to the kitchen.
He soon found where everything was and then asked what I would like for my dinner that night. I told him that I would leave it to him so he said that he would do me a cut of suckling pig on the bone with a puree of potato accompanied by haricot vert and a bramley juis.
To be honest I didn't like the sound of it much but I was relieved to see that he obviously couldn't get the ingredients for whatever it was he was planning to do because instead  he did me Pork chops, mash and green beans with apple sauce.
Nice.

Kipper has been busy in the garden and has planted more tomato plants in the greenhouse which he has once more kitted out with the reflective sheets and electric heat lamps to give them their best chance of survival.
I asked if the old heat lamps were running okay on his crystallised meths and he gave me a strange look as if he didn't understand before muttering that yes, they were running fine.
I wonder if he is overdoing it again and growing tired ? His nose is always red and he keeps nervously scratching and itching his face.
I hope he doesn't crack.

I might go for a quick pint down The Bull tonight for a grin because apparently a group of young women have been going in for a few drinks just lately and Col has been sniffing around and trying his charms on them.
They reckon on Wednesday he kept buying them drinks all night and he thought he had struck lucky with one of them when she leaned over and put her head between his legs. However, she then burped, groaned and threw up in his lap but luckily most of the sick ran off as Col had a bit of a Billy Smarts Big Top occurring in his trousers.
Apparently it didn't deter him and he was seen helping the semi-conscious wench into his car after last orders.
Well, the hungry must be fed...

Rug munching rug cleaner ?

I have been away on business and have to say that I'm glad to be back. I have spent a few days in London staying with an old friend who wanted me to invest in his new business venture. He is a mutual friend of the guy I had dinner with the other week and wanted my opinion on a couple of new ideas he had. He wants to get into entertainment and leisure and has bought a night club in Surrey. He reckons that already business is good and so we went to visit the club and it was indeed very busy and looked as if it was doing well. However, he then said that his latest venture was up my way, in town and that he had a business partner who owned the property that he wanted to change to a casino....
I knew straight away what that meant and I was having nothing to do with it so I thanked him for his hospitality wished him good luck and headed back for home.
He is going to to need all the luck he can get if he goes into business with the Silver Fox.
Mind you, say what you like, a casino and strip club will certainly be a welcome attraction in town as all we have currently are a couple of manky bars and a knocking shop run by an eastern European woman who also owns the local hand car-wash.
The only thing that both her places offer is a soapy bucket and a hand finish...

So, I came home and decided to ring the number on the advert for the cook and cleaner. Imagine my surprise when a man answered and said he had placed the advert. At first I thought it was a wind-up but he assured me it was genuine and so rather hesitantly I asked him to come to the Hall for a chat.
He arrived about an hour later and introduced himself as Richard. He then went on to explain that he was a trainee chef and wanted the experience and money to help with his education and career. I asked about the cleaning and he then told me that his flat-mate did the cleaning side of the business and that she would be only too happy to do my cleaning.
'She' would be happy to do my cleaning.... I was then wondering what 'she' looked like.
Was she a curvy, sassy blonde ? Or maybe a leggy brunette ? Chances were that she would be a butch lesbian built like a bullock.
What is it with lesbians ? If they hate men so much, why the hell do they always try to look like one ?
Anyway, Richard seemed okay and assured me he could cook all the classic recipes. He should start next Monday.
Just have to wait and see what his flat-mate turns out to be.

My gardener, Kipper, has been busy in the shed again so I assume he has been potting more plants. He must still be expecting a frost at night as he is going to keep the shed warm. I hope he is careful with the heaters. They are the old paraffin wick heaters and have been there for years. Well, I assume he is using them as he muttered something about using meths. However it should be a bit safer as I think he said that the meths were in crystal form.
Should stop any dangerous spillages.